Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
