and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
All the doctor said was why
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
