I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
