he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
