And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
