and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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