Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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