i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Randomize
