These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
be right there i have to get my cape
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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