i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
