If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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