Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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