Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
