well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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