I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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