Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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