mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
