We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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