walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Congratulations! We have a period
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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