I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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