I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
