I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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