i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
