The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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