Michael Bay diarrhea
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just puked most of my soul out..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
