Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
