I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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