I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
