a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
