my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
