Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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