Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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