So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
