I can't watch pbs sober anymore
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
