we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
