I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
