Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
