I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
