You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
