I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ketchup is God's man juice
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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