Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Randomize
