Swine flu. Run for my life!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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