my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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