It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
