If that was your dad, he is hot
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She's the barista slut.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
