Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
