I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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