my phone needs a breathalizer
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
