You smell like stripper and shame
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
