Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
