Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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