Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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